Should you blog? How many posts should you write each week? Should you make a product, push your services, or teach workshops?
Any of these options are good ones; what matters is if they’re right for you or not. But as soon as you start bringing the word, “should” into the mix, you’re sinking fast.
Why? Because “should” is the ultimate candy for your inner rebel.
Your rebel — the part of you that resists and fights direction (even when you’re choosing it) — loves to hear the word “should.” It’s the rallying cry of all rebellion: “I should do this? No way!”
The problem, of course, is that the rebel isn’t very discriminating. The rebel fights, period. When triggered, the rebel fights everything. Even the things that your heart knows is what you most need and want.
Where are you inflaming the rebel?
Do you believe you should…
- be in the line of work you’re in?
- be responding to patrons/clients/prospects in a certain way?
- check your email multiple times a day?
- only charge a certain amount for your services?
- write a book/blog/articles? Oh yeah? How much each week?
- be more regular with your spiritual practices?
- do strategic planning every six months?
- eat your vegetables? clear your plate? not belch at the table?
Seriously! I believe that examining (and challenging, when necessary) your motivations for everything you do is a huge key to finding happiness, fulfillment, and purpose in life. As long as you’re acting automaton-like in regards to what you think you should be doing, you’re never going to unlock the real reasons behind your choices, and you’ll forever be at the mercy of both your assumptions and your inner rebel.
Where the “shoulds” come from
Your “shoulds” are replacements for your own sovereignty; when you don’t feel strong/capable/knowledgeable enough to make your own decision, you often delegate responsibility to an outside idea (someone you know, societal norms, an expert’s opinion, etc.). Getting that power back is how you move forward.
So what makes the rebel go quietly into the good night? Choice.
As long as you feel that you’re choosing an option instead of being pressured into it, then the rebel goes back to sleep. “Hey, we’re doing this because we want to… I got no problem with that.” To choose implies sovereignty; choice comes from strength, since only someone with power and control over her own life can truly make a choice.
So is the rebel a thorn in your side, or what? Not really. The rebel actually serves you in a beautiful way — it helps keep you honest. Think of the rebel as a litmus test: as long as you feel free, the rebel is happy. It’s feelings of compulsion and coercion that spark the rebel into action.
The Remedy:
- Examine your intentions. When you discover the real reason you’re choosing what you’re choosing, you’ll realize just how empowered you are.
- Ferret out the “shoulds”. When you find a “I should do x” statement, replace it with an “I choose to do x” statement. Then, decide if you want to continue making that choice, or not.
- Stand in your sovereignty. You’re now making your own choice: so stand strong in it. Defend it. Live with conviction. And if you find out later that the choice you’re making isn’t the one for you, then change it. Nothing says you can’t change, right? But until you stand firmly in the choices you are making, you’re never really going to know what works for you.
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Image by plasticrevolver on Flickr, via Creative Commons license.
And thanks to all those who commented on the previous post so far: Jean Browman
October 8, 2007, 1:13 pm
Thanks for the link.
Here’s a suggestion. You may want to use a link color other than dark red, since it’s hard for colorblind people like me to distinguish that color from the regular black text. Not every colorblind person will have this problem, but a lot will.
October 8, 2007, 1:24 pm
Thanks for the tip, Steve — I had no idea you were colorblind, either. And thanks for coming by.
October 8, 2007, 2:22 pm
I have a great deal of respect for my rebel, that’s why I never write To Do lists. I write Possibility lists instead. The same items are on it, but the difference in energy and inner peace is enormous.
October 8, 2007, 3:01 pm
Excellent post and so right on! I have discovered this is a huge area to work on in my retreats — and a “washing machine” of self-talk that can keep us stuck for years. i know one of the reasons I declared a nine month retreat from all new projects and anything that does not have to be done (started it September 1st) was to free myself from the tyranny of these shoulds.
October 8, 2007, 9:21 pm
Thanks for the link! And a very true article as well - the rebel drove me insane when I was doing something I hated, until I listened to it and started taking risks - and now I am so glad I did!
October 9, 2007, 7:56 am
Very interesting post Adam. Yesterday I dugg an article that maybe an opposite of this. http://digg.com/offbeat_news/What_makes_us_happy_2
Check it out, and let me know if you agree, or maybe I am way off. Oh, I dugg your article as well. It was my Daily Digg. http://digg.com/health/Are_You_Feeding_Your_Inner_Rebel_Candy_or_Kryptonite/blog
October 9, 2007, 9:27 am
My clients all “should” read this article, and are receiving an email from me telling them just that [grin].
Seriously, “should” has long been a red-flag word in my coaching — it tells me a client is feeling pressure from an outside source, or its internalized echo. I love the perspective you add, of responsibility and sovereignty.
Also, re the title of your post — is there not some less lethal alternative to candy, to quiet our rebel, without killing it? As you point out, our rebel is a valuable part of us, to be both honored and managed — but never eliminated.
October 9, 2007, 3:43 pm
Jean, possibility lists, I like that…
Jennifer, right on! Ah, to be free of the tyranny of self-repression…
Albert, you’re welcome for the link (if I can’t support a fellow monk…).
Adam, I’m familiar with Daniel Gilbert’s work, and the “synthesizing” of happiness; and I don’t see anything contradictory, actually. In fact, I feel that examining our intentions — including those that promise us happiness — can be right in line with his work (I rather enjoyed his book, and the TED video is excellent…).
Thanks for the Digg, too — that might very well be my first time being Dugg.
Anne, you definitely should tell your clients all about it.
I like that phrase, “internalized echo”… I haven’t heard that before.
And re: the post title — you’ve got a good point there, about not eliminating the rebel (all things serve a function), and, as much as its helpful to notice the rebel’s yell, I wouldn’t want to encourage it, either. Not to mention, “kryptonite” is catchy, as a good post title should be (I couldn’t help myself!)!
October 10, 2007, 5:53 am
I lost my way some years ago. I’m am finding myself again, reconnecting with internal mechanisms. Having posts like this around that are clear, concise and provide objective experience are very helpful.
Self examination is sometimes painful but rarely fruitless. Cheers.
October 10, 2007, 11:13 am
Glad to have been your first Digg.
October 11, 2007, 2:24 pm
As an old hippy, I automatically fight authority (especially my own shoulds) at every opportunity, so this post truly hit home. I’ve been holding the intention to live an obligation-free life and this tip will be extremely helpful. Especially when making decisions on conflicting, chosen priorities.
Thanks Monk, good stuff for those of us who hold our freedom in high regard.
October 11, 2007, 3:42 pm
oooh so THAT’s my problem!
Being a bit of a hippy myself (@Tom) I have a long, long history of conflict between Want v Should … but I often wondered why the heck I rebel against myself!
The minute that new, exciting idea that I Want to write about becomes a Should, it gets passed aside for new, exciting Wants.
October 11, 2007, 5:58 pm
Hi Adam,
Really nice post. I keep being drawn to be more and more authentic and stand as naked as I can before our Maker. The rebel is a sign that authenticity is being questioned. Going inside with extended times of Remembrance has been a great gift toward being more clear and more connected.
Thanks for your rich work.
Stuart Baker http://www.consciouscooperation.com
October 17, 2007, 1:20 am
There’s a lot of truth to what you say, as I’ve found that the more I allow my self to be expressed, the less that rebel appears.
One thing that has been immensely helpful is your point about choice. The ultimately freeing aspect of that awareness was realizing that in *every* moment, I am making that choice (even if it doesn’t feel like it).
Sometimes the choice is between a rock and a hard place, and sometimes it’s between both of those places and some place that’s actually quite desireable if I’d just let go of those darned conditionings.
Any which way I look at it though, realizing that I do have the power of choice in every single moment of my life has led me to become friends with that inner critic… to acknowledge and respect it as a peer which believes it has my best interests at heart, and learn to partner with it for my success instead of unhappiness.
Your post is a great step towards encouraging others to find their own happiness, as well as a welcome reminder to those who have but may sometimes temporarily misplace it.
October 18, 2007, 10:20 am
Paul, I agree — there’s always a payoff to self-examination time. As my martial arts says, “Growth, no matter how small, is always positive.”
Thanks for the Digg, Adam D.
Tom, welcome — and I’m right there with you on the personal freedom piece!
Adele,
isn’t it interesting the internal debates we can get into? We stop ourselves from things that we genuinely want, just because of competing voices (that often shout louder, but are doing so on behalf of old programming!).
Stuart, you’re welcome. And I like that piece about authenticity.
Chris, I think you’re right on — we are making choices in every moment, whether we’re conscious of it or not. Eloquently put… thanks.
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