Are You Designing Your Purpose Around A Myth?

Posted October 23, 2007

Admit One... There’s this myth about your life’s purpose that’s going around, and it’s a subtle one — but it’s pernicious. The sad thing is, it can keep you spinning your wheels for years, if left unchecked.

It’s the myth of the lone wolf.

You against the world, fighting the odds to succeed… righting injustices, fixing the broken parts, places, or people… all by yourself. It’s the idea that for your purpose, your mission, to succeed, you have to excel above the rest, to be the shining star that shines brightest of all.

Then, and only then, will your purpose be fulfilled.

Don’t think that’s a problem?

See if you can feel something behind these statements…

“I’m on a one-woman campaign to stomp out guilt.”
“I have been placed here to improve the lives of those I encounter, and this will be my measure.”

(I didn’t make these up, by the way…)

Your purpose may not be so well-defined yet; you may still be formulating your ideas. No matter what stage you’re at, ask yourself this: When you imagine yourself working towards your goals, are you alone?

It may not be as absolute a rule as to be a given in every situation, but I’ll bet my lucky socks that in all the places where you see yourself as the lone wolf against the world, there’s a small-identified self in there somewhere, trying to become The One In The Spotlight. As if by being triumphant, you’ll prove those beliefs you have about yourself wrong.

But life isn’t a solo affair. It’s not a you-against-the-world game. Remember, “it takes a village to raise a child,” and, “it takes two to tango,” and “no (wo)man is an island”?

Life is a team sport.

Soccer (or football, for all the ~~sane people out there~~ uh, everyone outside the US) is a great metaphor for life, in that without individual excellence, the quality of the team suffers. But no one scores goals all by themselves; one person would just be flat out outnumbered.

That’s how it is in life, too, even though we have all these seeming examples of the one person who rose above the rest to dominate: Beckham. Jordan. Trump. Jobs. Pre. The truth is that all successful endeavors, by necessity, involve groups of people, no matter what it looks like in the headlines. When Thomas Edison was asked why he had 21 assistants, he said, “If I could solve all the problems myself, I would.”

Four Steps to a Greater Purpose

Recognize those who have helped you come to where you are today. Remember those people who taught you, who lent a hand, who pushed you to grow (no matter how much you resisted it at the time), and who took you aside to help guide you along a better path. Having gratitude — and expressing it to them, if at all possible — is an excellent first step.
Look for others who you can have mutually beneficial partnerships with. Are there people in your field (or in complementary fields) that have the connections you need? The ideas? The resources? The reach? How can you get more involved with them?
Reach out to the people you want to serve. Like I mentioned in the last post, the more conversation you’re having with the people you’re here to serve, the more useful you’re going to be to them, and the better your aid is going to be. Let them help you make connections, inspire ideas, and show you how your ideas can come more fully into the light of day.
End the quest of the spotlight-seeking self. As long as you have beliefs that tell you that you have to prove yourself in some way just to be worthy/enough/loved, you’ll be clouded from seeing the joy that can come from community-based efforts at change. (Need help? That’s what I’m here for…)

”Once we rid ourselves of traditional thinking we can get on with creating the future.”
- James Bertrand

Want a podcast of this? Click here.

Image by Hryckowian on Flickr, via Creative Commons license.

And thanks to all those who commented on the previous post so far: Coach Anne, Karin H., Gayle, Jean Browman

15 Comments & Trackbacks so far

Trackbacks

Comments

Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk on October 23rd, 2007

Adam,

“It’s the idea that for your purpose, your mission, to succeed, you have to excel above the rest, to be the shining star that shines brightest of all.” I’d be interested to hear how many people think that describes them. It sure doesn’t describe my life.

I resonate more with Carl Jung’s quote,

In the final analysis, we count for something only because of the essential we embody, and if we do not embody that, life is wasted.

My life has been more about finding that essence and finding a way to share it with others. But doing that personal exploration had to come first, otherwise I wouldn’t have anything to share.
Personal Growth on October 23rd, 2007

I enjoyed this post. It’s so true that we try and do it all by ourselves, but can we really achieve what we want by shutting others out? It seems very unlikely.

The tough part for me is surrounding myself with the right people or finding the right motivation to rally the people around me.

-Chris
Gayle on October 24th, 2007

Our purpose in this life is selfless service to others - whatever that happens to mean in your life.

And when your ripple joins with other ripples, you get ever-larger waves.

It’s such a simple joy.
Slade | Shift Your Spirits on October 24th, 2007

Ah, yes the Lone Wolf… The Hero… This can so easily (and perhaps dangerously) become the Martyr, a story where opposition from others is supposed to be some kind of confirmation of your righteousness.

Adam, you’re right on with the focus on Other People — what would be the point of a life purpose in a vacuum?

This world is a symphony of consciousness, and everybody’s in the band. Your killer guitar solo may be a break out hit, but without the audience/the rest of the world jamming along with you, you might as well be singing your song on the Moon.
Adam Kayce on October 24th, 2007

Jean, I’m glad you don’t find yourself in this myth… but as you can see by the other comments, there are a lot of folks who do (or have).

Chris, glad you liked it. I hear what you’re saying about “surrounding yourself with the right people”, and yet what I find is that the more I interact with the people I’m drawn to, the more I find we’re a fit. I think the trick is to trust that intuition you have when you meet someone that sparks your interest, and then pursue the relationship until those bonds start to build. (just a thought…)

Gayle, I agree - but it’s the “whatever that happens to mean” that stumps a lot of folks. As in, they know it’s about service, but how? Serve who? Like what? Where?

Making the choice to commit is the seeming paradox; without a feeling of clarity about a direction, how can you feel solid enough to commit… and yet without commitment, the chance to get to “solid” is a long shot…

Slade, good point about the Martyr. That can be a tough hole to dig yourself out of. I like the music metaphor, too.
Rhett (rockstarpoet) on October 25th, 2007

Pernicious is a great word. Pernicious. I completely agree with you. Especially in regards to the online blogger. I (and I think we) often feel we are alone. But that’s the case.

Also, I hope you don’t think “myth” means lie. Because then we would have to argue about that. But, let’s not.
Sue Melone on October 26th, 2007

Adam,

As one who has been suffering the slings and arrows of attacking life with this motto “the only one I can truly count on to take care of me is me”, your words hit home. I am really building a great new respect for the word “gratitude”. I am learning to be authentically and purposefully grateful for challenges, obstacles, pain. I am forged by the experiences and I am becoming more of whom I was meant to be because of them.

Thank you for calling me out to proclaim this for me.
biren on October 27th, 2007

this was like a blanket on a cold shivery night, habib.
i have been trying to find what jean has said in his comment - the essential i embody (without knowing it this way).
i felt it more like a pre-set radio frequency, which is the only one which plays music, while rest frequencies give static. and i have been trying to tune into that frequency - calling it my genius or natural process.
but, i think i was looking at the wrong places - my ears were trained at wrong places.
i was looking for proof in things where i was a successful lone ranger, or a messiah.

i hope… my exploration will taken on a turn for the better.

if only i could sniff…

love/biren
DaveOlson on October 29th, 2007

A friend of mine recently told me he was not talking to me about some issues he had with me because he was just trying to process them himself. The problem I see with that is if you just process things yourself, how will you ever get a different perspective? We need others to give us a different perspective and keep us from turning into our own messiahs.
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk on October 29th, 2007

Dave,
If it’s an issue with a lot of emotion, it might be the wisest course for him to process it by himself or with a neutral party before talking to you about it. Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen has some great ideas on the subject. I don’t think they talk about the Identity Conversation (the part of a difficult interaction that threatens our basic view of ourselves) in enough depth, but on the whole it does a good job.
Adam Kayce on October 31st, 2007

Rhett, thanks — and no, ‘myth’ isn’t ‘lie’ to me, it’s a story that we often believe that doesn’t necessary speak to the entirety of the situation. I’m glad we don’t have to argue about it, either.
Sue, you’re more than welcome; I’m glad the post hit home for you.

Biren, I’m touched that this has impacted you so deeply. [sniff]
Dave, I hear what you’re saying, and I think (like Jean said) your friend is trying to go about it in as least a “messy” way as possible. It may not be the quickest route, and it does make the perspective piece tricky… and yet we often have to stumble through these things as best we can until the path shows itself.

Try to have mercy and patience for your friend… it’s a tough spot to be in.
DCFiggy on November 2nd, 2007

I’ve enjoyed reading these comments as much as the post. Having recently been through some hard situations that have left me feeling physically and emotionally alone, I’ve taken the time to re-evaluate how I interact with everyone-my family and loved friends and my coworkers especially. for me at least, getting caught in the Lone Wolf/Martyr role has a lot to do with pride, and wanting to be good at everything. I’m finding though that that mentality and effort is a total drain on my system, and that frankly it’s a drain on my focus on those things that I am capable of doing really well.

Also, regarding the comment on processing alone, i agree soundboards are good for gaining perspective, but do feel that some things are really decisions that need to resonate with the person, so be gentle with their need to process on their own. the best thing to do is be open for them when they are ready to communicate-which you probably already are if they were comfortable enough tot let you know they were processing!
Adam Kayce on November 2nd, 2007

Thanks for sharing, DCFiggy. It’s good to hear you’re finding your way through your rough spots.

If you need a helping hand, let me/us know…