One of the biggest takeaways I had from reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch years ago was a saying: “Fear holds close; love holds dear.”
This morning I had a epiphany around that statement, while my wife and I were talking about some of the opportunities opening up around Monk at Work. After sharing a few things with my wife, she said, “that sounds great… I’m just trying not to get attached to it.”
And that was when the Idea Fairy swooped down and bonked the side of my head with its magic wand.
I realized that I had no fear in that moment about any of the opportunities panning out or not. But why?
- Because I had been visualizing them as working out just fine.
- Because I was so focused on how good they were making me feel, there was no room for fear.
- And because there was no fear, I wasn’t attached at all.
What I realized was that if I’m attached to something, it was because I have fear about it not working out. My attachment comes from my fear.
Many spiritual traditions emphasize the importance of letting go of attachments. But letting go of attachment is letting go of fear, and that’s hard to do directly. But, it happens indirectly very easily when you move into a positive state, and focus on what you love.
For example:
One of the things I’m visualizing these days is a full enrollment in the upcoming Black Belt Business Intuition course. And most of the time, I don’t feel any sort of attachment about not filling it. But, now and again, the financial fears creep up, and -BOOM!- I start fretting about filling it, and get attached really quickly to the idea of it filling.
The good news is, it’s just as easy to get unattached. By focusing on the idea of it filling again, and how much fun it will be to teach a high-energy group, the fears and doubts fall away again.
So…
What are you attached to? Is there an outcome to a project that you’re gritting your teeth about? Are you dreading something not working out?
Trying to “let it go” is much easier said than done. Instead, focus on what it’ll feel like when it does work. See and feel the successful outcome, and breathe into the feeling of success for a few minutes.
And if you want to take it another step, ask yourself, “If this project/thingy does work out well, what is that going to give me?” Then, visualize that feeling. Fill yourself with those ideas and emotions. And then, as you return your mind to the present moment, see how you feel.
What did that do for you?
Image by _mystico_ on Flickr, by Creative Commons license.
And thanks to all those who commented on the previous post so far: Edward Mills, Karin H., Tshombe
June 28, 2007, 9:29 pm
Hi Adam - First I am enjoying your blog. Thank you for the time and thought you put into this. I had a couple of thoughts about your post. Working with detachment has been a huge focus for me in recent months. I’ve learned a few things; no matter what happens- whether my expectations are met or not met - I will be fine…really (this is the releasing of fear as you mentioned). This real knowingness allows me to detach more easily and just allow what is going to happen to happen. I also remind myself that I am not in charge; the Universe/Divine is and I work to release my will and way and believe that things will happen the way they are supposed to - whether that appears to be ‘good’ or not so good. I have learned to set clear intentions about what I would like to have happen in any given circumstance and then I release it to the Universe. These are every day practices. I will say that I am truly more peaceful as a result. Yeah!
June 29, 2007, 1:39 pm
Hi again, Adam,
When I was a senior in high school I came across the Hindu idea: “Play your part well and let go of the results.” That struck me as the only sane way to go through life. As you mention in your post, that’s easier said than done, but for me it’s been well worth practicing.
It seems to me you’re advocating replacing fear with positive visualizations of the result. That’s an empowering approach, but it’s different than what Jayne is saying. I agree with you that the trick is to shift our focus…the easiest way to stop thinking about something is to think about something else. What I try to do is focus on my own performance. Am I playing my part well? For instance, what do I need to learn? What skills do I need to work on?
I once worked at a place that was on a financial roller coaster. Sometimes the funding would be great. Other times there would be layoffs. Some people wasted a lot of time worrying and passing around rumors. Other people focused on doing their jobs well and making the most of the opportunity while they had it. Not only were they more likely to keep their jobs, they were more likely to find another one right away if they were downsized. And it sure saved a lot of wear and tear on their nervous systems. That experience really taught me to focus on performance rather than on outcome goals.
Thanks for the post!
June 29, 2007, 2:03 pm
Jayne, I think the root of it is the realization you mentioned: “no matter what happens… I will be fine.” A lot of people give lip service to the ideal, but many fewer actually live that reality on a consistent basis (in my experience).
It sounds like you’re on the right track! Thanks for coming by and joining the conversation.
June 29, 2007, 4:38 pm
Hey Adam,
I used to get quite panicky when I was on a plane either taking off or landing. I was able to release it by talking myself through a series of questions. Was there any thing I could possibly do to change the next few moments of my life? If not, then why was I worrying? After a couple of flights when I talked myself down, I found I wasn’t getting panicky anymore. In fact, if I’m tired, I’ll often fall asleep before we even take off.
July 2, 2007, 11:46 am
Adam, this is a truly wonderful practical way to put the focus on now AND one’s vision… Robert Fritz’s structural dynamics in action!
July 5, 2007, 8:17 pm
Dave, isn’t that amazing how we can do that? I know it’s a small thing, but it’s also not… I used to have a horrible time trying to sleep (when I was a kid; I’m out these days in less than a minute), and I’d just talk my mind into submission and… zzzz…
Thanks, Jennifer. I’m not familiar with Robert Fritz’s work… I suppose I’ll add it to the learning pile!
July 11, 2007, 8:46 pm
“Let Go and Let God” is the phrase that I use to remind me to detach from the results. Adam, you are so right that attachment comes from fear. For me detachment is a process of letting go, taking it back, letting go, taking it back, and finally letting go for good. Each time between taking it back and letting go gets shorter and shorter until finally I let go and don’t take it back out of God’s hands. Controlling is such a difficult illusion to let go of. It is ego’s #1 tool to keep us in its clutches. Thanks for your article.
July 12, 2007, 11:45 am
Adam,
Hey there friend…great post! I have been playing with the detachment concept a lot these days. Sort of feeling in-between with my biz and the direction I’d like it to go…didya catch that? The BIG fat “I” getting all caught up in the mucky-muck.
I’m with Patricia…I’ve been letting go and taking back, and am really ready to let it go and see what kind of spin the magical, mysterious universe has in store for me/it.
Thanks for the reminder to let it go… Kam
July 13, 2007, 4:32 pm
Patricia, you did a great job of explaining what I call “The Lag”… “each time between taking it back and letting go gets shorter and shorter.” Thanks for your comment.
Kammie, you’re welcome. Good to see you here again! And let me know if I can help in your transition in any way…
July 13, 2007, 5:25 pm
The “lag”, I like that. Thanks. When I go on plane trips, I don’t like take offs and landings either. What I do is a favorite mantra of mine that I learned in a meditation class years ago. I would think any mantra would work for those of you who do them. It changes your focus. It helps me with nausea too if the airplane ride gets bumpy. I have used this 4 times on 22-hour-flights. It works for me.
July 14, 2007, 6:31 am
Interesting — I used to nibble on crystallized ginger, because it helps with nausea. But then, I forgot it on one flight (whoops!). Panicked, I figured I was going to get sick… but instead, I settled into my seat, closed my eyes, and dropped deep inside, relaxing myself completely (like a self-hypnotic state). I had heard that motion-sickness is related to control issues, so I let go of attempting to control things, and just allowed.
The plane took off, and I was completely relaxed. After a few times of doing that, I can pretty much take any takeoff now, and just by focusing on my breathing, I’m good to go.
Saves me from having to worry about remembering ginger, too!
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