Notice how in most people’s articles, books, and blog posts, they’re doing just fine?
Either writing is such a cathartic process that the simple process of it resolves the wrinkles in people’s lives, or there’s a whole lot of sharing that isn’t going on.
Few people, I think, share about the downs in life half as much as they share about the ups. And when our “business reputation” is on the line, who wants to sound like they don’t have it all together?
Funny thing, though: when this idea came into my head, I thought immediately of Wendy Piersall, of the spectacularly successful eMoms at Home… she lets it all hang out on her blog more than anyone I know, making no excuses for her humanity (and even with that (or because of it), I tend to think of her as having her ‘stuff’ together more than most).
“FINE” stands for Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional
“How are you?”
“Oh, I’m fine.” Sure you are.
We all know what “fine” stands for, these days (pick your definition; there are tons of them). It’s common to brush our feelings under the rug, especially if they’re less than socially desirable.
And to be honest, I know I’d rather not listen to someone gripe about their problems, day in and day out. I prefer hearing about uplifting moments, times of greatness, and situations where a person was able to summon their finest contribution and make a difference.
And yet — and here’s what got me to write about this in the first place — I think this never-let-them-see-you-sweat attitude has created a culture of fearing our own fears. We’re so accustomed to hearing about the good, we recoil from wanting to admit that there are times when we don’t have it all together.
When someone does let it all hang out, it’s refreshing as heck — especially when you see the transformation that that kind of honesty can create.
From time to time, aren’t we all Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional? Of course we are — it’s called being human.
I’m not saying you should parade your dark side in front of the world, or that you have to wear your insecurities with a badge of pride. After all, the quest for peace and harmony is a strong call that reverberates within us, and we’re all employing whatever strategies we have for dealing with our issues.
I just feel that if we were a little less afraid of being human, we’d have a much better time of it.
Image by josef.stuefer on Flickr, via Creative Commons license.
And thanks to all those who commented on the previous post: Jean Browman, David Rogers, Karin H., Joanna Young, WaterLearner, Karen Lynch, Pam Goulah
Monk at Work is Adam Kayce's website about personal webdesign, inner peace and outer effectiveness, and helping you bringing your best work out to the world.
Aw, thanks Adam! That’s quite a high compliment coming from you!
And I totally agree with you about this post - some of my readers’ most empowering moments seem to come from those posts where I let it all hang out!
Yes — thanks, Adam! It does take it out of me, sometimes, being that open, so to know that other people are getting something out of it helps make it worthwhile.
Hi Adam, this one’s really left me thinking..
In my opinion it’s most of the times not really that people do not want to share their problems, it’s more that people don’t want to listen to it. If you really keep asking, and are honestly interested, most people are more than willing to share..
‘How are you’ more and more seems to become a polite way of saying ‘hi’, than a really interested question. Or at least, it frequently is, what makes it hard to tell the difference..
Or am I being to negative here?
I certainly agree that people should at least be honest with themselves, and not keep on going with an ‘everything is fine’ attitude. Don’t cultivate your problems, but don’t ignore them either!
At first this may sound a bit counter to my normal encouragements of authenticity and transparency, for as my son says, “keeping it real” is the short and sweet description of aloha, however I do think there is a time and place for what we share online. Being authentic and transparent is being complete and fully honest about what we do choose to share, but that first choice requires wise discretion. Readers attentions are precious and we need to honor and respect them.
As a writer, the “emotional garbage” I have does come out on the written page, but it’s in my journals and morning pages, and never published. If I share some of it (and I have) the sharing is a bit more selective, and done via email or a phone call to someone I know, where I can be better assured we’ll end on a high note.
Adam I think there is a greater responsibility with these choices as well: There are so many silent readers out there, and you just don’t know what situation they are in as they are reading. I prefer to keep things positive because I hate the thought that someone might commiserate with any negativity I allow to slip out.
Blogs, like friendships, are more interesting when you see the whole person not just the rose colored glasses.
On my mommy blog I’ve shared a bit about my daughter’s open adoption, and my relationship with her birth mom. That can be pretty raw emotionally. But I also agree with Rosa. When I’m sharing I’ve also got to be responsible. It is more than my own life I’m talking about in that case. On my entrepreneur blog I’ve got no problem talking about my failures as well as my successes. It won’t affect anyone but me.
Hi all, thanks for your words. What I’m hearing is a concern not to go postal — to throw one’s negativity around, rant, or what have you.
If that’s what I’m hearing, then we’re in agreement — I believe 100% in being responsible with one’s feelings and words.
The point I was shooting for in my article was about watching for those little voices we have that say, “Oh, don’t get too personal, people might think negatively of you…”, or, “Don’t write about a problem you’re dealing with, because people won’t think you’re good, and won’t want to do business with you.”
These kinds of sentiments, I believe, are usually driven by fears… fears that if we show who we really are, we’ll drive people away. That we have to be perfect to be loved. That business people can’t show their feelings.
My point is that it’s the opposite, many times — it’s when we reveal our humanity that people feel safe to be present with us, and to show us all of who they are.
I agree with Rosa. A public blog is not the place for transparency. The office is probably not the place for transparency. I can think of a whole host of places where complete transparency is inappropriate and can be harmful to the one exposing themselves.
Transparency requires a certain type of relationship that is based on deep trust and reciprocity. When I have coffee with a close friend, or one of my mentors, I am willing to be transparent. That person is also willing to be transparent with me.
I think letting a little hang out, as opposed to everything, can be a very engaging writing tool. Showing some vulnerability in a blog can bring new readers and a refreshing perspective. But complete transparency should be reserved for the right time and place.
Adam,
I’ve discovered — to my surprise — that the times that I’ve posted honestly and vulnerably about challenges I receive an overwhelming positive response.
I still feel a bit of doubt, fear, or resistance sometimes (“this one is too personal, too whiny, or it’s going to go over everyone’s heads…”) — but when I push past that, I find that these are often the posts that the most people connect to and relate with.
Obviously, you don’t publish sensitive perspectives in a state of emotion — you should let your thoughts sit for a few days and come back to that draft and see how it holds up — and you need to stay realistically on-topic for your readers…
It’s a delicate balance between “Me” and “You” — but I’ve found that I often hold up a mirror for my reader in a powerful way I can’t anticipate.
One way I try to present “negative” discussions is to instead of simply stating “what’s wrong” I address “how I am approaching a solution to…” Or I simply ask for my readers to chime in with their advice.
The “teacher” is ultimately the most engaged student of all.
Hi Adam, I’m sorry for my previous reaction: you’re absolutely right. A few nights of missing out on sleep made me kinda misinterpret your post.
When it comes to blogging my experience too is that being more open and vulnerable has allowed me to make more of a connection with my readers. And make people enjoy the post more.
Even for a corporate blog, people like to read about the person behind the business front.. And a person wouldn’t be human (or sympathetic) without mistakes and anxieties.
I think it comes down to the remark you made about Wendy Piersall: I tend to think of her as having her ’stuff’ together more than most.
You can describe your fears or problems, we can write them in an uplifting way, or in a way that will drain all the energy from your readers.
It’s all just a matter of finding the right balance I guess..
I think it’s ok to express any challenges that you face in life provided that it’s relevant to the blog. Sometimes I will write about the times when I don’t have it all together - however, I also attach a lesson to it so my readers can learn from my challenges.
I believe there was one time when I was having a slight melt-down and ended up blogging a bunch of jibberish. Fortunately it was on my “diary” blog, so I have a little excuse ;)
Hi Adam
I guess it depends on the purpose of your writing and the relationship that you’re building with your readers.
I guess most of us here do write at times about things that are or have been hard for us, taking off an element of the ‘mask’ that we all wear - but even then it’s probably still been managed or processed in some way rather than coming out raw. That might be writing about something that’s happened in the past, linking it to the learning points that we can take from it, or describing the situation with enough detachment to be able to ask for ideas or suggestions from your readers. None of these would be possible from a state of raw emotion - and I think most of us are agreeing that’s best saved for your own journals.
The point about how much it’s wise to share about our fears and anxieties regarding the business we do is a slightly different question - but again one I guess we’d still all ‘manage’ to some extent taking into account the impact on readers and the reputation of our names or our brands? Joanna
Great conversation, everyone.
What it’s showing me is that there may be certain environments (corporate blogs, for example) that may warrant a certain amount of… editing… to keep with the angle of the blog.
And, I’m happy to see that the call for authenticity is being heard.
I was reminded on a call I had this morning of something I’ve been saying for years: “It’s your heart’s message that people need… and, it’s your humanity that lets them take it from you.”
Meaning, we’ve all got gems to share. And, it’s often easier to hear them from a voice we don’t perceive as perfect, “holier-than-thou”, or preachy.
I, for one, have had the “be professional!” maxim thrust upon me by teachers over the years (well-intentioned, no doubt), but in each circumstance, the need to appear as “the expert authority” has always seemed to have been driven by fear.
I know we all find our own balance with this, and that circumstance can change our approach in an instant. And, I still err on the side of disclosure, simply because I find it much more humanizing than distancing.
To each, their own, I suppose.
(Again, great conversation, everyone.)
Well said Adam, an excellent and heartfelt summary. I must say that you are the aloha model of how I wish every blogger would handle and engage in their own comment conversations!
Love what you said here: “It’s your heart’s message that people need… and, it’s your humanity that lets them take it from you.” is going on my page of quotes that I refer to often for self-coaching.
I do understand what you mean by erring on the side of self-disclosure in that it reveals one’s authenticity, a gift to all we give it to when we believe in our own innate capacity for good.
Hi Adam -
Thought I might find a Labor Day post about your birthday, but since I didn’t find one, I thought I’d leave a comment here for you…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :-)
Rosa, thank you… and yes, that quote is one of my best inspirations. It keeps coming around again and again.
Mona, hey, long time no see! And thanks for the birthday wishes (‘twas Monday, for those not in-the-know as much as Mona).
Hi Adam,
I can feel where you’re coming from. When I let myself open up and become more authentic, I realize people respond to me more openly and vice versa.
For example, a ‘I’m fine’ to a ‘how are you?’ question closes the interaction at that, but an honest ‘I’m a little tired’ actually can help the interaction open up. It helps the other person see I’m human too and I’m not afraid to admit it.
This is something I’m working on doing more in my blog too.